Ghost of Father's Passed

I had a dream about my father last night. I don't have them often, but when I do, he is as clear as day. I can see him, smell him and feel him, as if he is really alive. My dad died ten years ago and at this point talking about it is just biographical information about me. I can speak very matter of factly about how he died and not be emotional. Every now and then though, and thankfully when I am alone, I get what I call 'hit by the 2x4". Those of you who are members of "The Club" will understand what I mean by that... that deep place with in your soul that gets ignited with an unexplainable feeling of loss. It can seem at times unbearable.

It is interesting to notice the differing reactions between those in The Club and those not when sharing stories of lost parents. The Club members listen, nod their heads, maybe have a painful moment with you and may even share a similar story. Non-club members tend to vary between looking super uncomfortable, attempting to change the subject, and being overly vocal and sweet. It is a tough one. Trying to explain such loss to someone who is not a Club member is like trying to teach a five year old algebra.

I didn't remember my dream from last night until this afternoon when I was on the train listening to my Ipod. A song came on that reminds me of my dad. He had actually given me the CD of the artist. "WHAM!!" went the 2x4. I managed not to cry, which I guess is good thing when traveling on public transportation. I did, however, have that familiar pattern of looking back to ten years ago and who I was at that time... a silly, immature 28 year old who just couldn't get her life together. My father loved me in spite of this of course, but I can't help but wish he could see me now. There I was, sitting on Metro North, commuting back to Connecticut from New York City in a sharp looking grey pin stripe suit...an independent, successful woman who is living a life that he would have loved to be a part of.

There have been non-Club members who say in moments such as these, "Oh, but he is up there watching down on you," and then have the audacity to smile at me. I'm sorry, but that does not work for me. My father is dead. I could not call him at that moment because I was thinking of him. There are no conversations, no embraces. I do not see him in my waking hours. The woman I am today... the kind of woman he raised me to be... he will never know.

I am not bitter about this. Quite the opposite. I believe part of the reason I am who I am is because he died. Being one of daddy's girls was a good reason to be the lost child I was. He was very loving and a bit too permissive of my irresponsible nature. With out him, I had no excuse but to get it together. It took a couple of years where I basically stayed drunk and crawled through my days with a hangover, but eventually I hit my bottom. Only then, after I put down the cocktail and cigarettes, could I grieve him soberly & properly... and find my way.

So, when I have these dreams, I cling to them and hold them precious, as they are the closest I will ever get to him again while I am on this earth. I like to think of it as a haunting, where he really IS here, and can see me... the real, happy, healthy me.

In the meantime, I can turn my Ipod to the song that makes me think of him. I do not consider it a coincidence that this CD with this song was given to me by him. It was meant for moments such as these.

"We're All Alone"

Rita Coolidge

Outside the rain begins and it may never end

So cry no more on the shore

A dream will take us out to sea

Forever more forever more

Close your eyes and dream

And and you can be with me

'Neath the waves through the caves of hours

Long forgotten now

We're all alone

We're all alone

Close the window

Calm the light

And it will be alright

No need to bother now

Let it out

Let it all begin

Learn how to pretend

Once a story's told

It can't help but grow old

Roses do

Lovers too

So cast your seasons to the wind

And hold me dear

Oh, hold me dear

Close the window

Calm the light

And it will be alright

No need to bother now

Let it out

Let it all begin

All's forgotten now

We're all alone, oh-oh, we're all alone

Close the window

Calm the light

And it will be alright

No need to bother now

Let it out

Let it all begin

Owe it to the wind, my love

The Power of Positive

Recently I read a wonderful book called The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, about a former hot shot lawyer named Julian Mantel who, after suffering a massive heart attack while in court, leaves his successful yet miserable life to find, well, the meaning of life. Years later, Julian returns from his stay with the Sages of Sivana in India unrecognizably healthy, youthful and peaceful, with a mission to share his journey with anyone who will receive it.

The book is full of all sorts of interesting and useful bits to help guide the 'lost soul' to a life of meaning. What I personally enjoyed was the continual importance of purging the heart, mind and soul of the negative.

The mind/body connection is a very real and powerful thing. Through my continual studies of anatomy and structural integration, I am able to make sense of the physical ramifications that a negative mind can have on the body. Consider stress: We all know what it is... quite intimately, in fact. We read stories or hear special health reports on the news about how stress causes heart attacks, strokes and stomach ulcers. We also hear that it is our busy lives and intense jobs that create all of this stress. Yet, we certainly cannot all afford to drop everything, leave our families and jobs to make a personal journey to India to find the meaning of life. So, what are we to do?

In short, and in my opinion, it all begins with choice. We all possess the power to choose a good day or a bad day. Although bad & stressful things will happen on any given day, is it not fair to say that our perception on those things is what changes the degree of their damage?

My former boyfriend is a good example. He used to begin his day by saying out loud "This day is going to suck." Wow... Seriously?

Being the recipient of this proclamation, I would attempt to encourage him to turn it around, telling him, "well, sure, if you say that, you are guaranteed to have a bad day. But how bad can it be, really?" He would look at me like I was a dumb little child unable to understand the ways of the world and say again, "This day is going to suck."

So, off he would go into his miserable day and I was left with a bit of it on my conscience. Now I had a seed of negative energy in my head! I would then go to work in a less-than-jovial mood because I had allowed someone else's negativity to penetrate my brain.

I eventually purged the miserable boyfriend and all of his negativity from my life. Within a week, I was lighter, happier and healthier, as if I had a giant malignant tumor removed from my being. I could see that life was indeed beautiful and that no day was ever going to suck because I was given the gift of life. I was able to choose to live it without negativity because I had the power to do so.

I am not suggesting that merely repeating positive affirmations will make your life change. However, a positive thought, said out loud or in silence, is filled with power once you make the decision to have it be so.

Take a good inventory of your thoughts. Make a list of them and note how many are negative. Take fifteen minutes in the morning to sit in silence and notice what flows through your brain. Write your gripes in a journal and then finish the entry with your decision to turn them around. Notice the changes you feel physically as you begin to change your attitude. You may find that you sleep through the night, your heart doesn't race and your stomach stops hurting.

It shouldn't take so much effort... too much effort is too stressful, yielding frustration and ultimately more negativity on your inability to process a positive thought. Instead, it is surrender to circumstance and being bold enough to choose to live with joy.

Worry will not add a single hour to your life. Negative and anxious thoughts are thieves that will rob you of the gift of life that you were so generously given.

You are allowed... no, meant to... live a life of joy. Change your mind from negative to positive and live your life with the best case scenario in tact, because you have decided that is the only reasonable option.